It's only recently that I felt this. It's as if all my life I have been deceiving myself, part of it unknowingly. It's as if I have kept telling myself that I don't need to compete in order to gain, while I am now starting to realize, however late it might seem, that life is competition, and its harsh and cruel as hell. No, it's worse than hell. People deceive you here.
It's as if no friend is a real friend. It's as if we are all alone, each of us. It's as if... Why do I keep using this phrase? It's not as if, It's how it is. When your friend makes fun of you, he doesn't mean to be nice. He might think he is, but his behavior has deeper roots than he knows. It's a way of deteriorating them so that their reproductive success deteriorates. It's competition, survival of the toughest. By being a nice person, people might love you and praise you, but you won't win. Because that is not how it works. By being nice you only sacrifice yourself at the altar of others' gain, and I knew this. I just didn't know how huge this sacrifice was.
By being nice you render yourself vulnerable to either cruel attacks or pity. Tit for Tat doesn't seem to be working. And that's not all, you lose your reproductive success as well. Human females seem to have an affinity for those males who are aggressive and competitive. There is no room for losers, and that is why they are called losers. So if you are a nice guy, stop being so, or at least, don't expect earning any kind of reward.
And yet I remain undecided whether to believe myself or not. What I just wrote might be the result of frustrations and very unrealistic. And even if I did believe myself, I would remain undecided whether to change my way of life or life, and I have no idea if that is even possible. I only know I will be more cautious from now on.
p.s: I feel I am unfit for this dirty competition, and that frightens me. I feel that all these years others have been preparing for it while I totally ignored it. as Bejamin Franklin puts it: "By fainling to prepare you are preparing to fail."
my blog had been down for some time, for an obvious reason: my limited access to the internet. but now i have come back and im gonna make this place as living as before...
p.s: i dont expect anyone to read this, that is the philosophy of my blog...